


Choices

by The_Lady_Meg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 22:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1582214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lady_Meg/pseuds/The_Lady_Meg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam considers his options after the events of 8.06 (Southern Comfort).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choices

The light caught the gun in odd ways as he turned it over. It’d be easy. Dean was out – with Cas, with a girl, with Benny, who the fuck knew – he wouldn’t even find out til morning. He could even go somewhere else and do it. Leave the mess for someone who was paid to clean up this kind of crap, instead of some poor cleaning lady earning minimum wage in this shithole of a motel. Not make Dean deal with another of his screw-ups.

_“Those aren’t mistakes, Sam, those are choices!”_

Choices. Right. Well maybe Dean could live with this choice. Hell he might even be relieved. Would make his life easier for sure, and Cas could watch his back. Garth too. Benny, maybe. Dean would still be a Winchester and a hunter, but at least Sam wouldn’t be around to invite the crazy into their lives.

_“-Sammy’s greatest hits-“_

Not Sammy anymore, not for a while. And Christ, but he’d have given anything never to have heard Dean sneer it like that. It used to be for when he was worried, or happy. When they were on the same side. Even when they were pissed as hell at each other. Even after Sam ended the world. Still Sam and Dean, still brothers. Apparently not anymore.

“ _Benny has been more of a brother to me than you have ever been!”_

The hell did that even mean, than he’d ever been. Sure, he’d fucked up consistently the past few years, but there were a good eighteen years of being brothers before that, right? The crap hadn’t started until Stanford. Sure, he’d hated it, but he and Dean had been good. Even after, when they were looking for Dad, things were still ok between them. Gut-wrenchingly horrible in every other way, of course, but that’d been the one good thing that had kept him going. And then he died cause he was a fucking idiot who decided to turn his back on a threat, and the entire world went to shit.

Maybe this’d make up for some of it. The Taurus seemed heavier than usual. Intent tended to do that to weapons, he’d noticed. It’d be better to do this with a rifle, but that’d just create more mess. Besides, the odds of surviving a shot to the head were around 2%. And that was for those not trained in John Winchester’s army. He could make this count.

It’d be almost like closure, in a way. Dad had given him the Taurus when he was twelve, said he’d earned his own gun after doing well in target practice. If he used this gun to do it, maybe somewhere John Winchester would be satisfied that at least one of his sons had taken his dying words seriously.

And that really shouldn’t hurt that much. Not now, it’d been years, he should be over that. Plus Dad had been right in the end. Dean should’ve listened.

Not Dean’s fault, of course. But if he’d just listened when Dad said he’d have to kill him… Or if he’d just let him die at Cold Oak. That probably would have been best. Less guilt for Dean that way, and no conceivable way anyone could blame him.

He was stalling. Still can’t quite do it. It’s not even guilt over what it might do to Dean that’s stopping him at this stage. He’s just scared. Jess used to say fear of dying was just fear of the unknown magnified by the fact that it’s permanent. He wonders if Brady gave her time to be scared. Probably. Demon, after all. She probably changed her mind before the end. He’s not scared of the unknown though. He’s terrified of being back _there_. But at least he’d know it was over.

Stop stalling.

Click. Safety off. Barrel under the chin. Easiest way to do it. Well, not the easiest, but the least likely to go wrong.

He hasn’t left a note. Should he? It seems cruel not to. Seem even more cruel to detail his reasons for this, though. Besides, Dean covered that pretty well.

_“Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul, or how about, running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you were doing all kinds of crazy!”_

Not mistakes. Choices. Like there was ever any other choice.

Breathe out. Put the barrel back under the chin. It had moved. He’s not sure when. Breathe in. Out. He can do this. Dean might be happier.

Something buzzes on the bed behind him. The phone’s lit up, display easy to read from there.

_Of course_.

He could ignore it. He will ignore it. It rings through without him answering. Breathe out. In. There’s a hitch in his breath. No reason for that. He’s fixing things. The Taurus has a pretty light trigger. He’ll be dead before he knows it.

The phone buzzes. Dean again. Not giving up on calling him. Dean’d say this was giving up. Checking out, leaving Dean alone. Lifting the gun to his chin seems just a little harder than before. It’s for the best, really. It is.

The phone again. His hand drops. He can’t do this if Dean keeps calling. Can’t check out when his brother obviously hasn’t. Even if Dean hates him.

There’ll be other opportunities. But he can’t leave Dean thinking it might be his fault. Can he?

No. This isn’t Dean’s fault. It’s not fair to put that on him. But maybe… If he can make it count? If, somehow, he finds a way to die that means he can die for a reason, then Dean can’t feel guilty for it. It would be Sam’s choice.

 

 


End file.
